Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
