I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
