you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
