She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
