my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
