My underwear smells like fireworks.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
