My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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