I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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