sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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