Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
