i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
