i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
