bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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