yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
