Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
