sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
