I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
