if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Randomize
