my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
