I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I want her autograph on my taint
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
