I wish I could teleport
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
It's never too late to be topless.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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