she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
