i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
