I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
try to milk me bitch
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
