Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
