I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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