Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Randomize
