margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
