I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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