We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
They are going to name an STD after you.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
