he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
