We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
It's blow job season.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Randomize
