She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
