So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
