Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize