I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I want to fling myself into the sun
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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