I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
