When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
