I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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