Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
