You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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