Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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