i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
3 2 1 whiskey
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Randomize
