So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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