i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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