shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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