Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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