awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize