this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
