I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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