My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
