if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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