we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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