My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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