He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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