that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize