Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
you inspire me to be a worse person
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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