Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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