I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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