Midget sex pt 2 tonight
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
